I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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