im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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