rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
