When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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