with your own penis?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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