I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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