i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
