Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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