Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
