i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm experimenting with sincerity
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
