i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
