onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize