my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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