new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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