I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
