dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The Olympian is in my bed
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
