I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
