I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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