My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
