Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
