my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
