I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
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But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
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She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.