Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
