____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
