Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
