I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
