I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Sober January is a disaster.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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