All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
