I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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