What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
