You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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