Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
