Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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