nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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