What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
