when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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