I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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