i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
