You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
