the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
