i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
