There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
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