Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
