I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
