I forgot how hot balto sounded
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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