His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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