Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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