well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
