made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
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