He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
