Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
