My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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