Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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