The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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