went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
