Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
